On Caffeine (the natural stimulant!)..
drink and be merry!

On Blonde English Girls with Ghetto Names..
i love that shit! (thanks Mr. BT) ..and the seven thunders uttered...Cherise-ah!

On Anime..
ok, first off.. they're not cartoons, for goodness sake.. they're totally awesome movies/ Tv series or whatever.. so many people look down on something that's animated, but i think Evangelion is one of the most stimulating features i've seen in a while.. it hits on all kinds of levels..show some respect :P i suggest Evangelion, Fushigi Yuugi, Perfect Blue, Record of Lodoss War, Parallel Dual!, Ruruoni Kenshin, and Samurai X for starters.. and of course, Ninja Scroll.

On witch hunts..
ok people, let's think about this.. get your info straight before you go telling whomever you 'allegedly heard' such and such or whatever.. heck, maybe even ASK the person you're accusing.. chances are there's been some sort of rumor or mixup. taking that extra time to find out what's REALLY going on can save you alot of trouble later. anything that starts with "rumor has it.." or "it's been said.." is usually not true. if you're going on rumors like that and use them to accuse innocent people.. might as well off yourself with a sharp piece of glass, because you're not doing the world any good.

On mp3 format..
what genius! a wonderful way to transport media in a small and easily to handle form.. the sound quality ain't that bad either.. people can get their tunes out over the internet and get a larger following.. because if it's good.. someone's gonna like it. especially people who do pre-releases over the net.. what an awesome idea.. get the music to the people.. and the people will get you back. support these artists.. they're doing great things for the music field.

On napster..
well what can i say? it's a wonderful method to get some new and exciting music out to the masses.. granted, there are those who will 'take the money and run' so to speak, but if you're not, and you like what you hear.. support the artist! it's not like they've got some other source of income.. give them some compensation for their work...

On dungeons and dragons and Satan..
no, it's not the work of the devil.. if you're going out and getting into character outside the game and thinkin you need to wax so-and-so because the DM told you so.. well you've got problems.. it has nothing to do with the game-- you probably need to check into the pyscho ward.

On gaming in general..
awesome pasttime..seems to get the brunt of crap from the non-gaming general public.. i guess they just don't understand.. role playing and gaming is a good exercise of the creative mind and logic as well..and you meet many interesting people as well. the important thing is having good players as well as a good GM..the interaction is what makes it happen.

On merging into traffic..
ok, people, it's really easy.. leave a car-length of space in front you.. wow.. look at that.. merging is easy! no traffic jams and stupid people cutting you off at the last moment.. i think if people realized the one car space rule, there'd be less slow down on the stinkin freeway..

On roomies..
if you're going to be a roomie, pull your own damn weight. i'm lucky enough to have one right now that knows what the heck is going on. clean your shit, i'll clean mine. use my stuff, put it back. refrain from brining skanky people home at 2 am. ask nicely before you eat my last ho-ho.. don't leave your damn dishes in the sink and always remember to pay your share.. being late on bills irks me to no end. it always helps that we're both up til all hours of the morning anyways.. and can usually talk about whatever comes up..

On ramen..
everyone should experience this wonder of mankind at sometime during their life.. the plethora of flavors.. just right when you add a little tony chacere's.. you can make the water right in your own coffee maker! how amazing is that? ready in 3-5 minutes.. those noodles.. the flavor.. so cheap its classic!

On puppets..
You have your hand in a sock. You're making it talk. Therefore, you have your hand up it's fictional ass. Whatever floats your boat. I don't hate puppeteers. i hate dollmakers. I hate those fucking porcelain faced little dolls that don't make any facial expressions even when they're trying to saw through your tendons with a chunk of glass and then pour maggots out of their skull when you crush it with a brick. puppets at least have the benefit of being cute and expressive. Plus they're usually polyester and respond to flame
better.

On guns..
The Geneva convention is for the Swiss. I think we should use dum dum rounds on everything. I think everybody's sidearm weapon should be a light-as-shit titanium submachine gun with double helical clips of caseless hollowpoint, so as to better express our displeasure. Or punish the useless.

On breeding..
I'm not doing it. And I'm in the top 15% of the gene pool. I got looks, smarts, reflexes and I'm shockingly free of psychological problems (Outside of that urge to kill and eat.) I enjoy the prospect of creating a hostage of fate that will cost me time, money and possible sanity like I enjoy the idea of removing my molars with a band saw. And I consider myself a reponsible adult. Therefore, the rest of you are like roaches and should be sterilized immediately. If you've already procreated, you should snuff yourself now.

On cars..
I want a badass car with a dimensional portal to the mass grave in my backyard where everyone is slowly turning into fossil fuels so I don't have to stop and fill up as often. It should be bright red and have a license plate that says COPKLLR. It should have an inertial supercharger and a stage four turbine, with nitrous injectors. I want this car to be so deadly that even getting out of first at the stoplight means I've irrevocably damaged vertebrae in my neck
and I also have to put it in reverse to get out of the storefront. It should have a aerodynamically shaped bumper with a teflon coated edge so when I hit Bambi it just ripples across my windshield like a red shadow instead of crumpling the hood. It should be designed to explode and fragment when sideswiped. It should also leak plutonium everywhere, and pour out a noxious cloud of fallout anytime i exceed 88.8 mph. It will come equipped with ELF speakers so as to cause anyone else in traffic with you to experience irrational terror, vertigo, nausea, and, with proper soundtrack supporting, even organ failure. This car should be a harbinger of death. And have fuzzy
dice.

On food..
I hate okra. I can eat anything. but I fucking hate okra. It's like eating breaded, fried eyes. They don't even taste good. I can't name a single thing in nature that eats okra. And I bet that even if I found something that ate okra, I still wouldn't want anything to do with that food chain. If an evil plague was visited unto okra by the Bitter Veggie God, my only regret would be that it wouldn't kill every lunch lady who ever slopped that shit on my plate when what I wanted was Mac and Cheese.

On sex..
If you're breeding you're wrong! Otherwise, I don't give a shit! I thank my lucky stars everyday that incest, homosexuality, beastiality, and autoerotica exist! Hell, for every guy asspounding another or raping squirrels or diluting his gene pool so badly it'll never make it, there's at least three girls looking for me. And if I'm lucky, they're lesbian triplets.

On the internet..
Ah, it's like bringing the phone book up on my TV. informative and boring as shit, simultaneously. I can only hope that subliminal messages will soon become standard programming, and people learn enough household chemistry from it to nerve gas the hell out of themselves. Or their neighbors. I'd start with the damned yappy dog downstairs. Cthulhu would appreciate an early snack.

On professional sports..
You know, the day I pay a some asshole several million dollars to play with a little ball is the same day I commit seppeku with a halogen lamp.

On tattoos..
Depends on what you look like and where you work. If you're 6'4", bald, and have a tat that says "I endured the hellish agony and the dubious honor of a old blind man stabbing me with a inklaced bamboo needle so I can have a picture of a dragon trying to score with a mermaid" across your chest and face, you probably shouldn't be working for IBM. On the other hand, if you have a tattoo of a happy face or says Jesus loves you, you're either prison sweetmeat or a homicidal maniac who can afford to be frivolous.

On piercings..
You want piercings? I recommend an eyesocket piercing, complete with blade and hilt quivering in the left orbit. Let's think about this shall we? I want to pay somebody money to punch a hole somewhere in my body so I can stick in shiny things that are only good for being ripped off painfully or setting off metal detectors. And before any of you sleazy fucks try to tell me how cool it is to nibble on a belly button ring, I'd like to inform you I've made this far in life with perfect teeth, and I'm not fucking them up so I can send my dentist's kid to Yale.

Soda or pop, boxer or briefs, potato or potatoe?
WTF? Chug your fucking beer, remember that you don't wear underwear because you're all into "commando style", and turn the fucking tubers into French fries so you can get on with your pathetic life! Jeez. Kill yourself.

Music..
Techno. Mostly cause it's not whiny, tends to have really long songs, and meshs with Disney cartoons better than Floyd did with the Wizard of Oz. Most other music is alright, although some people still need to kill themselves before they boost certain record sales.

On religion..
Yea. Once again I find myself NOT giving money to Jesus, because if he wants it he can come and get it himself. And I'll say "No." And shut the door and go back to my vodka. I can't respect anyone who gets nailed to a tree as part of the master plan. Except for the Vampiric Jesus, who did give his blood to you but now wants it back.

On correctional facilities..
I think that instead of wasting my money so felons can have air conditioning and cable TV, and generally being useless while waiting to die or get ass pounded by their cell mates, anyone who gets sent to jail and awaits the death penalty should be volunteered for medical testing. I betcha crime drops like a rock, 'cause I garauntee that no one wants to knock off a liquor store if it means some psycho doctor shoots you up with glowing blue stuff "just to see what it does..."

On serial killers..
Someone once told me that the difference between a hobby and an interest were that hobbies cost money. Serial killers have a really expensive hobby. Plus, they always have some sort of hangup about what they're doing. "I'm pounding nails into your head because Mommy burned my teddy bear!" "I'm taping you up and pretending you're a boy because this one time, at band camp,..." Fools! If you're going to kill people, start somewhere good. Like DC.

On drugs..
Good God, yes!! Over the counter, under the counter, synthesized
stoleninhaledpoppedsnorted rocked, and best of all, free! Not that i use drugs. I'm sufficiently wired just being me. I think that certain people need to expirience them, though. At a good, high, dosage. And nothing friendly either. you should get the full angel dust psilocylbin methamphetamine cocktail your first time out. It'll look great on Cops later, footage of some asshole trying to fight a water tower Don Quixotes style. And then you won't even have to kill yourself, someone else will do it for you.

On books..
If you can't read, you suck. Even if you can read, and insist on reading crap, you still suck. If you can't walk into a used bookstore and look at a random shelf and see a book you've read or an author you've read, you suck. If, on the other hand, you have memorized the admittedly complex evolution of affairs and doublecrosses on poplular teen dramas, you not only suck, but suck so bad that heavy objects will defy inertia to leap off of shelves and roofs and crush you.

On Computer games..
If you're going to vegetate, it should be with something that will cause you to dream obsessively. Any game with truckloads of weaponry and dark scary places is good. I recommend System Shock and it's sequel. Yes, I'm a geek. But I also have a real life so fuck you very much. Altogether now, "Kill...Yourself..."

On arson..
People think lighting gasoline on fire is easy. It's not. Shit like that only happens when you don't want it to. If you're going to burn something to the ground, you can't do a halfassed job. Have some fucking pride! Any fool can walk into a store and buy the neccesary components to make compounds that burn white hot! And you got to get all the entrances and windows in such a fashion as to block them or make them useless for anything but oxygen conduits to feed the fire. Watch Backdraft for neccesary tips on blowing yourself up.

On art..
I think the penultimate of self expression and suicidal tendencies would be to stick both barrels of a 12 gauge shotgun in your mouth and pull the trigger with the Mona Lisa maybe six steps behind you. Smile at that, bitch!

On drinking..
I was raised on the cheap shit and therefore don't feel slighted when I have to drink swill. I'm a cheap drunk and a seventy dollar bottle of cognac is wasted on me, because I think it tastes like ass. alcohol's best use seems to getting stupid rednecks to lose any common sense they might have had and do irrational suicidal shit. Unfortunately, it also makes them horny and prone to breeding, so any gain from a loss of life is canceled out by a new litter of
toothless squalling brats.

On work..
Develop that aura of indifference. Remove the flourescent lights from around your work area. Leave really cryptic post it notes all over your desk. Bring reading material from home. Make all your passwords and logins variations on the word "murder". Write random essays on the usefulness of deranged cultists, or do comparison/contrast papers on various exotic and mostly illegal ammuntion. Save it to your harddrive. Laugh whenever you hear about postal workers.

On handicapped people..
Man, you think because they're stuck in a wheelchair and have to take that longass ramp up that they're not dangerous. You got to get them from the side and knock their punkass over, but sometimes they have sharp objects hidden in the seat. The worst are the ones with dogs; dogs can sense intent. I hate being made before I complete my quest. Course, dogs suffer from allergy: bricks. And blind people can't dodge. Handicapped people are exempt from killing themselves because they've already proved they're too hardy or lucky to die. Plus they tie up other peoples resources so people pay less attention
to what I'm doing....

On Names..
Having leafed through a baby book of names and seeing the table of "This generation's most popular names for children" within it, and seeing the monikers you people heap on a defenseless fetus, it brings me back to my original theory that most of you need to be killing yourselves or removing yourself from the gene pool. They're not as bad as Dweezil or Elmer or Thelma, but these are the people who grow up and bring their Uzi to work. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but if some poor bastard tries to machine gun me for a lameass reason like that, his torment will never end. And when I get tired of the ants and the Yoko Ono remixes and the bamboo shoots, I'll just find somebody to shit in their lungs.