Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.

Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.

Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.

Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.

Q: What do cow pats and women have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: How can you tell a Sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q: What's six inches long that women love?
A: Folding money.

Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

Q: What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A: Speed bumps.

Q: What's got four legs and one arm?
A: A Rottweiler.

Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A: When you open her legs the lights go on.

Q: When does a cub become a boy scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.

Q: How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?
A: Very satisfying.

Q: Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A: He was half nuts!!!

Q: What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A: Collecting her thoughts.

Q: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toy pen?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face saying, "Lie to me! lie to me!"

Q: How are pubic hairs like parsley?
A: You push them aside before you eat.

Q: What is the ultimate definition of courage?
A: Two cannibals having oral sex.

Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?
A: Your date has to chew before she swallows.

Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

Q: If you get malaria from mosquitoes and Lyme disease from ticks, where do you get AIDS from?
A: Asshoppers.

Q: What is the difference between a paycheck and a penis?
A: You can always find a girl to blow your paycheck for you.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!"

Q: What's the connection between soy bean and a vibrator?
A: Both are meat substitutes.

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: "Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one heck of a blowjob!"

Q: Why did the condom cross the road?
A: Because it was pissed off.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got laid last night."

Q: What did one boob say to the other?
A: Don't hang so low, they'll think we're nuts.

Q: What is the politically correct name for "Lesbian?"
A: "Vagitarian."

Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

Q: What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A: One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it rub-it!

Q: What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: They can both smell it but they can't eat it.

Q: What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What is the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?
A: One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.

Q: How is the card game Bridge and sex alike?
A: If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.

Q: How can you tell when dogs are kinky?
A: They start doing it in the missionary position.

Q: What is the difference between 69 and driving in the fog?
A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.

Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banan
A:

Q: How can you tell if a witch is horny?
A: Check out which end of the broomstick she's riding.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

Q: What's the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?
A: You know she'll swallow.

Q: How is a vagina like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: What's the difference between acne and a Catholic Priest?
A: Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until he's around 13 or14 years old.

Q: Why does a bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the cooker and fridge.

Q: Why do hunters make the best lovers?
A: Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

Q: How can you tell the head nurse?
A: The one with dirty knees.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: Did you hear about the new paint called "blonde" paint?
A: It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q: How can you tell a macho woman?
A: She rolls her own tampons.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: How do you make a lesbian climb the wall?
A: Tell her there's a crack in the ceiling.

Q: What's the definition of confusion?
A: A coach load of blind lesbians in a fish market.

Q: What's pink and hard?
A: A pig with a flick knife!

Q: What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing, she's already been told twice.

Q: What do you call a Serbian prostitute?
A: Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch.

Q: Why do women call it PMS?
A: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q: What's a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Do you know how Welsh practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well-hung.

Q: Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A: For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.

Q: How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Coz no man would pull those faces on purpose.

Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: Why is the head of a Penis bigger than the rest of it?
A: To stop your hand from flying off and hitting yourself in the forehead.

Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: A genealogist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69

Q: What's the difference between a microwave and a woman.
A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.

Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters

Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.

Q: Why aren't there any Scousers on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".

Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.

Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

Q: How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex?
A: Mace.

Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?
A: He keeps coming and coming and coming...

Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King didn't cover his Whopper.

Q: Why did God invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.

Q: What's the connection between soy bean and a vibrator?
A: Both are meat substitutes.

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse?
A: Because she was fuckin' Goofy.

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A: A mechanic!

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it.

Q: Why do Italians wear mustaches?
A: So they can look like their mother.

Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance than women?
A: Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
A: Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A; None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you fix a women's watch?
A: You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men pass more gas than women do?
A: Because women don't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.

Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: They won't stop for directions.

Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.

Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: What men know about women.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything.

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A: A half hour of begging.

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused?
A: He's breathing

Q: What's the difference between men and government bonds?
A: Government bonds mature.

Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.

Q: What do men and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They are both empty from the head up.

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know. It's never happened.

Q: How are men and parking spaces alike?
A: The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

Q: Why did God give man a penis?
A: So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
A: Its Braille for "suck here."

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q: Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
A: They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 5 years your job will still suck.