Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her
knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian
boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they
cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want
the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds
changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The
bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to
repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)

Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church
labelled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish
Magazine)

6.10pm: Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Bennett's estranged cousin, Mr.Collins, writes
to announce his imminent visit to Longbourne - the house he will inherit on
Mr.Bennett's death. Mrs. Bennett rallies the residents to stop him setting up a
minicab service. (Hampstead and Highgate Express)

There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who , if left a
lone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. (Glasgow Evening News)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued
by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "this sort
of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot
and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he
didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his
Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her
reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her
garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed
a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in
February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a
spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of
year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the
explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)