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Jokes 4
The best of the worst jokes you'll hear
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then."
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A woman in a supermarket sees a deal offering 5 boxes of tampax
for 1 pound.
She can't believe how good the deal is and asks the manager
"Is this deal correct?"
"Yes madam, 5 boxes for a pound, no strings attached."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to
Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."
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Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his left ear.
"What can I do to get it out?" he asks pathetically.
"Pour warm chocolate in the right ear and tilt your head"
replies the Doc.
"How the bloody hell will that help?"
"Easy", replies the Doc, "When the chocolate cools
it should come out a treat....."
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A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling.
He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks,
"Don't you want to participate in our competition?"
The guy asks "What's it all about?" The barman informs
him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the
ceiling and you get a free pint! If you fail you have to buy the
whole pub a drink."
The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate............
........the steaks are too high!"
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A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that
be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost
an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes,
I'm positive...'
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Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs
they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says, 'Look,
we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and
make one of my speciality spliffs.'
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some cumin, turmeric
and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up
and rolls them into a spliff. On his return he hands it to one of
his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within
seconds he passes out. Ten
minutes go by and he's still out cold, so they decide to take him
to hospital.
On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns
to his friends and asks, 'So what was he doing then? Cannabis?'
'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear,
so I made a home-made spliff.'
'Oh' replies the doctor, 'so what did you put in it?'
'Um, a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'
The doctor sighs, 'Well that explains it.'
'Why, what's wrong with him?' demands one of the men.
The doctor replies, 'He's in a korma.'
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