Jokes 5

WHICH GENDER

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were waiting to see their obstetrician. Trying to make conversation, the brunette said, "I'm going to have a boy. I'm sure of it because I was on top." The redhead said, "I know I'm going to have a girl. I'm sure because I was on the bottom." The blonde suddenly burst into tears. The other women tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. "I think I'm going to have puppies," she sobbed.

THREE REQUESTS
The Lone Ranger was captured by an Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning, the Indian Chief says, "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off. Later, to the Chief's surprise, Silver returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said bring posse!"

BEST OF FRIENDS
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

THE CHECK-UP
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband." The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replies, "Which days?" The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday?" The husband says, "O.K. I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."

PACK MY PJs
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says, "Oh yes, great. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

DROOL
Q: What does it mean when a redneck¹s baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?
A: The trailer is level.

DAY LABORER
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"

HUNTING FLIES
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he responded. "Oh. Killing any?" she asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

WATCH US
An elderly couple went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it. When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally, after two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid.

RED EAR
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang‹but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh, that¹s unfortunate," the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "What happened to your other ear?" The blonde replied, "The jerk called back."

COUNTING TO 100
It was Johnny¹s first day in the third grade. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40‹others couldn't get past 20. Johnny did extremely well‹counting right up to 100 with no mistakes. He ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's the third grade, so most couldn¹t make it even half way through. But Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly. That evening, Johnny again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His dad, knowingly, said, "That's because you are from Alabama." The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed." That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is 10 times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

MEMORY TEST
Three old men are at a health institute for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "Two hundred seventy-four," was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "Yes!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

FACTS OF LIFE
The teenaged girl was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it was about time she explained the facts of life. "Ann," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. How, a baby grows in a woman's tummy, and‹" The teen interrupted, "It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom, but what I really need some pointers on is how to fake an orgasm."

THE GOOD NEWS
Ms. Smith and Little Johnny's father were having a parent-teacher conference. Ms. Smith said to Johnny's father, "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son." Little Johnny's father asked, "What's that?" The teacher replied, "With grades like these, he couldn't possibly be cheating."

WHAT DO YOU CALL
Q: What do you call a leper in a Jacuzzi?
A: Soup.

HORMONES
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" The woman replied, "On my testicles."