What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go to
make up this spectacular, have been especially altered for Manchester.

A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
city, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will
be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the
stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Commonwealth games, Manchester's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one
in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc.

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc. the winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5
minutes.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will
aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery
man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice
of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
home.
The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
trip
away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,
please note that the Synchronised Swimming even for this year will
comprise
of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the
specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve"

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester,
especially
anyone that appears to be mincing....

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock
throwing, and music by the Stockport community choir. The flame will be
extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch
invasion
by confused Man United organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will
then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all
the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

Late News: Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to
the
above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: killing a spouse,
digging
a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm
Down'
contest. To guarantee the entry of all athletes at all, Drugs taking has
been made compulsory this year.